DIY COW Clue-Writing Contests

[anax]

Thank you penfold for entrusting me with the bulging sac that is CIB Challenge #24. I invite your worst possible treatments of this:

VALENTINE

_________________
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

[Boaz]

Damn. I thought of this in bed last night, then realised it was in the CIB section. Oh well, you can have it anyway.


Dear Vernon
Replace with your extremists
PS
In Palestine

(P for) V ALE (S for) N TINE = 'Dear'.

[boxwood]

Vagina, rubbed again, made a lenient girlfriend (9)

V(agina=again) + ALENIENT*

[MB]

Opened vagina with prong, filled with beer and now started to love.

V(agina) + TINE around ALE N(ow), love = valetine

[Boaz]

Sweetie obtained from vulva lent in error (9)

container

[MB]

[Boaz]

Date of massacre in event without syphilitic gangster (9)

V(AL)ENTINE* = 'date'

[AngryVocab]

Evil Anne took time to screw Saint

(evilanne+t)*

[Boaz]

Boyfriend's penis heartily gobbled by Jeeves, possibly in ecstasy (9)

VALE(N)T + IN + E = 'boyfriend'.

Jeeves, as any self respecting Wodehousian knows, was a valet, or 'gentleman's personal gentleman', rather than a butler as is often thought.

[7dNigePun]

I don't think I've got the hang of this part of the forum yet.


After the first malty bedtime drink, the last two turned in and made love (9)

[O] VALTINE with NE < and inserted

[foggyweb]

Cock swallowed provided I can be your special friend (9)

This is
LENT = provided
I
inside
VANE = cock. Probably not quite right, but a weathercock is pretty much the same as a vane. In my house, we just call it the cock.

[foggyweb]

Toss off, spraying navel, nose and tits of girlfriend (9)

Anagram of NAVEL+NOSE+TITS minus TOSS

[penfold_61]

[penfold_61]

Love to overturn crapper on head of English and get ten in trouble (9)

LAV rev + E + TENIN*

[boxwood]

Boyfriend withdraws again from vagina before beer can is inserted in two directions (9)

V(agina) + ALE + N (TIN) E

[penfold_61]

Girlfriend overturning toilet on complete wanker finally giving in to beginning of neurosis (9)

LAV reversed + ENTIRE (complete) with N(eurosis) for wanke(R)

[MB]

Two efforts, like a he said/she said cartoon:

Girlfriend's first violation: Al half enters in Emma's opening. (9)

Boyfriend's victory: Al enters half in Emma's opening. (9)

V + AL + ENT(ers) IN E(mma's)

And one more for luck

Boyfriend's vain about length; not good and hard but has energy.


VAIN around LENGTH - G - H +E

[anax]

Penfold_61
Girlfriend overturning toilet on complete wanker finally giving in to beginning of neurosis (9)
The imagery of this is superb, bringing to life a situation I've experienced many times. Oops - too much info. Full credit for putting a lot of work into building the idea and crafting wordplay to fit.

Foggyweb
Toss off, spraying navel, nose and tits of girlfriend (9)
Just how good is that? Again, brought back memories of... oh hang on - I'm just lying this time. Seriously funny surface (exactly the same thing I said after - oh, shut up) and as I type this I know it's worthy of being the winner. But it's a tough one, and in any case it's pretty much matched by:

Cock swallowed provided I can be your special friend (9)
Cock=vane is no problem to me. If this clue has a technical fault is the enforced (for smoothness) use of the grammatically not-quite-right "swallowed" - perhaps "Cock's swallowed" would have made it the winner.

AND THE WINNER IS
Boaz
Boyfriend's penis heartily gobbled by Jeeves, possibly in ecstasy (9)
There are a number of reasons for choosing this. The imagery is absolutely superb and I can well imagine the old Hugh Laurie / Stephen Fry sitcom being taken off the air because of it. Boaz has also cleverly observed valentine as being male as well as female, and has worked it directly into the image to make the clue even funnier/truer. Last and by no means least the technical aspect is absolutely spot on - to create a clue this scurrilous, funny AND to stick to clueing rules is no mean achievement.

Perhaps the only downside of the clue is that it reminded of that time when...

Ah. Best keep schtum on that. Over to you Boaz, you filthy-minded genius you.
_________________
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

[Boaz]

Many thanks for entrusting me with the ceremonial scrotal sac, Anax. Just a quick query though. I can't find any technical difference between foggy's use of 'swallowed' and my 'gobbled by'. I'd love to hear the technical difference between the two.

[anax]

Happy to oblige. I should start by saying that crossword editors have different levels of tolerance for the bending of grammatical rules, and even the Times puzzle occasionally strays into slightly less than ideal territory. In cases where the clue is particularly good in terms of surface, the editor may well say a clue should stand because to nitpick over a small technicality would spoil the entertainment for solvers.

Equally, though, if such small slips are allowed through you'll often get solvers picking up on it and, if not complaining, at least saying "Pity the clue was spoiled a bit by..."

I'm pretty ambivalent about it myself. I have a fundamental belief that a clue is a clue, not an accurate statement. By that I mean it should only point you towards the answer, so you reach a threshold at which that answer clicks. For me, a technical inaccuracy only becomes a problem when it prevents or unfairly hinders the solving process.

Cock swallowed provided I can be your special friend (9)

Foggyweb's excellent clue, if we're being picky, falls down with the use of "swallowed". Splitting it into component parts we have VANE being the container for LENT I - VA(LENT+I)NE and that "can be" the definition. The container indicator is "swallowed", but to be grammatically correct its verb tense and "can be" need to match up.

Your clue, on the other hand:

Boyfriend's penis heartily gobbled by Jeeves, possibly in ecstasy (9)

Breaking this down, we have "Boyfriend is" (VALENTINE) "penis heartily" indicating N (which is) gobbled by VALET (Jeeves, possibly) + IN + E. In other words:

The answer defined by X is this indicated letter (N) contained in word Y plus word Z + this indicated letter (E). There are no stretches of grammatical sense, so the clue is absolutely coherent from start to finish.
_________________
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

[Boaz]

Marvellous stuff. Thank you.